September 22, 2018
Written by: David A. Prior
Starring: Marcia Karr, David Campbell, Fritz Matthews
Lyrics (Credit Scene):
I'm a woman on fire and fright, and it frightens me.
I'm a woman on fire tonight, I'm out of control.
It's bigger than both of us, it's lightening and thunder.
That strikes at the heart of us, we run to each other.
...you'll know how I burn, burn for you.
Trivia: The director found it very hard working with the director of photography because "He had no respect at all for me and fought me all the way on every single thing we shot."
Holy. Crap. This movie is the worst movie in the best possible way, and I mean that as a huge compliment to the filmmakers. What they have made here is something magical that could only come from that wonderful decade, the 1980s. The movie has absolutely everything going for it: An obscene amount of gratuitous closeups on breasts, butts, and crotches! Several extremely long and extremely poorly choreographed fight scenes! A mysterious killer using the lamest killing instrument in horror history! Overacting! Underacting! Even more crotch shots! A fantastic disco/aerobics soundtrack, Even more breast closeups! A meandering plot that makes little to no sense! Even more butt shots! This is a slasher gem par excellence! It's on Amazon Prime, stream this movie immediately!
Sorry, I'm a little overexcited about getting to write about this movie. I'm not sure where to begin... so let's try to navigate through this plot. First a warning, IMDB's plots synopsis is incorrect. There are no twins and it was five years, not two years. I've corrected this egregious mistake on wikipedia and am waiting for IMDB to follow suit. Damn, I keep digressing, here goes the plot...
So some woman gets burned up in a tanning bed salon at the beginning of the film. Smash cut a few years later (we later find out it's five) and there's a bunch of hot 80s people doing jazzercise aerobics at a fitness club called Rhonda's. (Another side note: the movie is only 80 or so minutes and at least 30 minutes of this is shots of women wearing very little do aerobics with the crotch, butts, and boobs closeups). At night a mysterious killer begins killing the patrons in POV using a large safety pin. If you've ever been to In & Out Burgers, it's like the pins they use for their aprons. The next day, a new worker has been sent from corporate, but we suspect he might be an undercover cop... and he is. He and another cop try to solve the mystery as the killer keeps safety pinning men and women to death.
This is basically the movie's Act 2: Safety pin killing, boobs bouncing at gym the next day, undercover cop tries to act cool, other cop tries to act tough, Rhonda acts oblivious, nobody seems too worried that a dozen people have been killed in the club that they're working out in. Eventually we find out that Rhonda was the girl that got burned up in the beginning of the film! And she's killing her club's hotties because she's jealous that they're not all burned up under their clothes too. Motive! The cop is going to arrest her but a murder happens (the cool guy undercover cop is killed) while she's under custody so he's forced to let her go. But wait, how could that be? It's because one of her employees was in love with her so he killed someone so she could go free. Rhonda kills him as a thank you. In the end Rhonda kills the cop and goes back to the club to kill again. The end? Yeah, it's the end. Although, I would like nothing more than there to be a sequel to this film. Someone start a kickstarter and I will throw in some bucks.
The nudity: In classic 1980s style, we have nudity within the first three minutes of the film and from there it does not stop. There is quite a bit of topless scenes and a ton of busty aerobics. I cannot stress enough how much of the actual film is just girls doing aerobics. Seriously, nearly half the movie is just that.
The acting: Everyone does an okay job, but the cop has some great overacting moments. He's cool to see him put everything he has into his performance. It just comes off odd next to everyone else's underacting. Also, there are two guys that work at the club that look almost exactly the same and whose names are Jimmy and Tommy. They both look like Lou Ferrigno's younger, dumber brothers. It makes for some really confusing moments for the viewers.
The plot: Much like this review (getting meta now) the plot is a meandering mess. I keep calling him the undercover cop but I don't think we ever find out if he actually is an undercover cop... anyways... at one point he leaves in the middle of his shift on his first day at work to go on a drive with some hot girl. When they get to her house they drink Pepsi in her backyard before he has to leave (how? she drove?). What was the purpose of this scene? How did it advance the plot? Who cares, it just adds to the insanity that is this amazing story! The film is littered with scenes, like this. Also, in addition to gratuitous sexuality, the filmmaker was sure to add in gratuitous action fighting. Not sure what lane to pick, the director make this movie a softcore/horror/action movie. The undercover cop guy gets into two excessively long winded fights. The second fight scene, which begins no questions asked after he hears a woman scream, is especially long. During the movie, my wife went to take a shower right before the fight began. After her shower she asked what she missed and I had to tell her nothing, they're still fighting. It's like that scene from They Live except if neither of the characters could fight and the choreographer was drunk on set.
I know this review sounds negative and sarcastic, and it is. But I really did love this film. It has a Troll 2, Plan 9 From Outer Space, The Room, Mac and Me, Leonard Part 6 kind of cheesy badness that makes it so lovable. It is the perfect movie to watch with beers and friends. It is just a shame that they really don't make great movies like this any more.
Oh, and the soundtrack is incredible!
...what's your thoughts?
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