Hatchet (2006)

August 30, 2018

Directed by: Adam Green

Written by: Adam Green

Starring: Kane Hodder, Joel David Moore, Deon Richmond

Budget: $1,500,000

Quote: "But you only shot him once, right? Maybe you gotta shoot him more times. Like four- or six- maybe you gotta shoot him six times?"

Trivia: If you watch all three "Hatchet" movies in a row without opening and end credits, it would be one uninterupted storyline, revolving around a few days




During the 1980s, the American slasher movie was king. Starting with Halloween and following shortly by Friday the 13th, there were dozens of movie franchises (most that went on way longer than they should have) cranking out movies where masked psychos killed teenagers. Then in the mid-1990s the genre began go quiet, aside from the Scream films (that time when there was only one set of footprints in the sand, that is when Wes Craven carried us). The 2000s gave us remakes and reboots of our beloved killers, Jason came back to life and My Bloody Valentine  got a 3D reboot. But where was the new slasher? Finally, in 2006 Hatchet was released. Hatchet is these filmmakers attempt to breathe life back into this truly American genre. Kane Hodder, who played Jason in a couple of the Friday the 13th movies, plays Victor Crowley a new and terrifying face in the Slasher genre. Packed with hokey comedy and a couple of cameos from horror legends (Robert Englund and Tony Todd make appearances, also John Carl Beuchler who made Ghoulies 3 makes an appearance as a piss drinking hillbilly) this is a perfect movie to watch with a few beers and friends.

Hatchet follows Victor Crowley a deformed psychopath who was burnt as a child when some teenagers' mean prank went wrong. Now he stalks the New Orleans swamps for victims. Cut to a group of people trying to get a haunted swamp tour. It quickly becomes apparent that their tour guide does not know what he is doing as he gets the boat stuck in the swamp. On the boat is lovesick nerd Ben (Joel David Moore... The Matrix obsessed bad guy from Grandma's Boy) and his best friend Marcus (Deon Richmond... the black stereotype from Not Another Teen Movie). Then there is a married Minnesota couple, a pornographer and his two "models," and Marybeth an angsty young woman trying to find her family (they were Victor Crowley's victims in the opening scene). Stuck in the middle of the swampy area, the group must try to survive as Victor Crowley hunts them one-by-one.

The movie has some of the most brutal killings in slasher history. In the opening scene, Marybeth's father is torn in half by Crowley complete with excessive blood. In another scene, the nervous guy from Office Space has his arm hatcheted off leaving him flailing about as blood squirts over everyone. In a particularly brutal moment, the Minnesota wife has her head torn apart as Crowley grabs her skull and rips it open from its jaw... like a Pez dispenser. Later, the pornography has his head twisted around nearly 360 degrees. A girl has her teeth sawed out of her head with an electric sander (or was it a blade? either way it's really cold-blooded).

What makes Crowley such a terrifying figure is first just his physical size. Kane Hodder is an enormous human being giving Crowley an imposing physical statute. Also, it is Crowley's use of his physical strength to kill and torture his victims. Knifes are so clean and quick. But Crowley doesn't use knifes instead most of his killing he does with his bare hands. The only weapon he does use is a hatchet (an axe really). Instead of relying on the sharpness of the blade, this weapon also relies on the strength of the user. I also like that Crowley stalks a New Orleans swamp which has its own creepiness to it.

The horror elements of the film really land, but the comedy falls flat. I think the filmmakers wanted to balance out the film with some light comedy to alleviate some of the brutality of the murders. I like a little comedy in my slashers but the filmmakers put too much in which changed the atmosphere of the film. Some moments were actually funny, like when the tourist find out that their tour guide was faking a Creole accent and then found out that afterwards he was faking a Chinese accent and had no accent. Or the pornographer, played by Joel Murray... Bill's brother, had some great moments. "Have you ever heard of Bayou Beavers?" Other times it is a little too much. After all it's Crowley and the killings that we want to see.

My criticisms of the comedic elements aside, overall the film is a really fun watch and a great addition to the richness of the Slasher film that spawned three sequels. Plus, it is just great to see Kane Hodder back at doing what he does best. Killing teenagers and young adults.